Tag: death

Jun 20 2014 June 20, 2014 July 14, 2015 NoComment by wade.courtney

Year One.

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It’s been a year since Evelyn was taken from us. I’ve been thinking about what I would write here on this day. I tried, but I don’t have anything left to say that I haven’t already said before. She’s gone and she’s not coming back. We are left to pick up the pieces and learn how to live without her. All we have left are memories of her. Be they good or not so good, they are all we have. There are pictures and videos, but they won’t talk back, they can’t.

We miss her every day and that is the way of things. It’s not fair, but it is what it is. I can’t dwell on a future of what might have been and I can’t live in what has passed. All I can do–all that any of us can do–is live in the here and now. Yes, life is less full and life less happy, but that is the way of things when someone we love is taken from us.

What we can do is be inspired by Evy. We can be inspired by her beauty, her sense of humor, and her compassion for others. Remember something she did for you and pay that forward to someone else. Not just today, but everyday.


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Mar 25 2014 March 25, 2014 July 14, 2015 NoComment by wade.courtney

Grief and Social Media

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When Evelyn died, we did the normal thing, we called family and close friends to tell them of our loss. What about everyone else? Between the family, there were literally hundreds of people who needed to know about Evelyn, about us, and how and when to pay respects.

We turned to social media. In the hours after her death, and the media had released her name, I posted on Facebook about our loss. We received hundreds of private messages and comments on our loss. People expressed what Evelyn had meant to them on our Facebook pages as well as Evelyn’s.

Social media played a large part in the celebrations of Evelyn’s life. It enabled us to plan important events like her funeral services and remembrance gatherings. Using Facebook’s event planning features, we could easily update people on the dates and times of events, what to expect, and in some cases how they could help.

Additionally, I found groups on Facebook for people who were going through or had been through the grief process too. I have made several lasting friendships with people from these groups. The groups have been a fountain of support and resources for someone with my belief system going through tragedies such as ours.

Using Facebook, I was able to create locations for her final resting place in the Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery and for her memorial tree at Lake Poway, so people could check-in and maybe share a story about Evelyn.

We were able to collect and share hundreds photos from our family and her friends to help remember her life. We were also able to share or re-share never seen photos from her early childhood and her years growing up. Many of her photos can be seen on Flickr and on my Facebook photography page.

Because of the eternal nature of the Internet and social media services, those photos, stories, and videos will always be there to help keep Evelyn’s memory alive.


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Dec 21 2013 December 21, 2013 July 14, 2015 1Comment by wade.courtney

The Story Behind the Picture

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EvelynRelated to the post I made yesterday on the six-month anniversary of my daughter’s death, I was asked what was the story behind the photo that accompanied that story.

It was January 2011. I had been shooting seriously as a photographer for just over a year, and Evelyn had been in her third fashion show. She needed more photos for her portfolio and I needed more practice photographing people.

She changed her clothes and grabbed some props and I set up my lights. What followed was our first father/daughter photo session. The session lasted a couple of hours, with her changing clothes multiple times. We were both having a lot of fun and I captured many great shots of Evelyn being Evelyn. The Chanel scarf was her mother’s and became a useful prop in many of the photos.

That day and those that followed were some of the best days of our days together.

 


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Dec 20 2013 December 20, 2013 July 14, 2015 7Comments by wade.courtney

Half a Year Away

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EvelynIt’s been six months since Evelyn left us. Sometimes it seems like it was years ago, and other times it still feels like she will walk through the door at any moment. Six months is a significant milestone for us. It’s half a year, 26 weeks, 182 days since we’ve been able to touch, hold, kiss, or talk to Evelyn. My days look like a sine wave. I laugh, but I feel guilty. I smile, but I don’t know why. In those moments when I laugh or smile, I forget for a split second that Evelyn is gone, then when the laughter is over, I remember, and then I feel guilty

I am angry a lot, but I try not to let it show. Sometimes I succeed. I read things that say to start the healing part, you have to let go of the anger and have forgiveness. I can’t do either of these because I feel as though I betray the memory of my daughter and what was taken from us that early summer morning. Friends and family offer up platitudes and prayers and I accept them with the intention from which they were given. I am grateful for my friends and my family.

A new normal has set into our lives now. I fight waking up in the morning and getting dressed for work. Wearing a suit and tie is what’s required, but I long for Fridays, not because it’s the end of the week, but because it means I don’t have to wear a suit. Riding the bus I stare out of the window or try to read, sometimes I sleep. If it’s not Karate night, I sit in front of the TV watching shows or playing video games. Once in a while, I go answer emails or update Facebook. The days are long and the nights are short. I cry a lot. I think of Evelyn. I wonder where she is and I wonder what she’s up to.

When I think of her urn and what it contains, I get angry. I try not to dwell on those thoughts too long.  Occasionally I go into her room. It’s not that I avoid her room, but when I step in, I’m bombarded with smells and sights. When I enter, I hear nothing. No birds outside, no cars going by, no talking in other parts of the house. Nothing, but my own heartbeat and and the ringing in my ears.

I worry for my wife and son. I feel helpless to be able to help them at times. At times if feels like walls are crumbling all around me. Each brick has Evelyn’s name on it.

Mostly I’m just angry.


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Dec 03 2013 December 3, 2013 July 14, 2015 2Comments by wade.courtney
Evelyn

Be a Man

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The defendant in the case  is attempting to fire his public defender and withdrawal his guilty plea. What this means:
The judge with either:

  • Grant his motion and give him a 60 day continuance and not impose sentencing on Friday.

OR

  • Reject his motion and impose sentencing as scheduled.

I can’t begin to tell you how angry and sad we are. Why can’t this person just take responsibility for his actions. Why can’t he just be a man.

We still plan on attending on Friday, in case that the judge throws out Gillespie’s motion and sentences him for the crimes to which he has already admitted.


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Nov 17 2013 November 17, 2013 March 25, 2014 3Comments by wade.courtney
Evelyn's Tree

A Dedication – Evelyn’s Tree

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Yesterday we dedicated Evelyn’s tree

Today we are here in this beautiful park, near this beautiful lake to remember and celebrate the life of a beautiful young woman. Twenty years ago today, Evelyn came kicking and screaming into this world and over her short life, grew to be an independent, fearless personification of generosity and kindness.

Evelyn bears the name of her grandmother, Bonnie Jean Courtney, who was there when Evelyn arrived. Evelyn also bears the name of her other grandmother, Evelia Rojas, who is here today at the end of Evelyn’s life.

Evelyn was always exploring her spirituality. Her latest expedition was into Buddhism. Evelyn believed in God or a higher power, but always wanted to know more. She was accepting of other’s beliefs and lifestyles and she held the same live and let live attitude that helps me get through life.

In times like this, many of us question our belief system and ask the question that no living person has the answer too:  What happens when we die? Some think we go to heaven or hell, some think that we just cease to exist. I like to think that life follows certain laws and like Scotty says,” I canna break the laws of physics captain”. The law of the conservation of energy says that energy is neither created nor destroyed, but that it just changes form.

So here we are, all of us surrounding this tree filled with Evelyn’s energy, transferring our heat and our love to it, through its leaves, to the branches, through the trunk, and into the roots.

This tree stands as a monument to Evelyn as an example of her generosity and kindness. This tree is here because of the generosity and kindness of others. It is because of those people that we have a place to come, sit and reflect, read or have a picnic, in this beautiful park on the bank of this beautiful lake. It is with a great bittersweet joy that I dedicate this tree to Evelyn Jean Courtney. Enjoy your view.

Our family would like to thank all of those people who helped make this tree happen. I don’t know the names of all who contributed, but specifically, I’d like to recognize our friend Sue Heim and Evelyn’s friend Renee and her coworkers from Steinmart without whom this would not have been possible. I’d also like to thank the City of Poway, Parks and Recreation Department and Bob Hahn for helping us plant the tree.


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Oct 20 2013 October 20, 2013 March 25, 2014 2Comments by wade.courtney
Evelyn Living Life

I can’t believe it’s been 4 months

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My dearest Evelyn,

Today marks the day that 4 months ago you left us with no explanation. We still don’t know where you were going, what you were doing, or who you were with.

There are times when I don’t miss your presence, but I think that is because you are with me. The times I hurt the most are the times that I think you’ve gone off somewhere else.

We went to a fashion show last night, your mother and I. It was Exhibit Ambush. Antoinette did another fabulous job putting together a great show. You would have looked great walking in that show, and I saw you in many of the models that walked.

There were many people who I knew that came up to ask how we were doing and to offer assistance. Some of them were people you know, some weren’t.

I shot some photos last night. I tried to do what I do. Some turned out OK, while others did not. I want to start taking photos again. I think that is what is missing most of all now that you are gone. I wish we had worked together more, but I was angry with you. I took it for granted that you would always be there. I’m sorry.

Today we are going to choose a tree that is to represent your life. It will be planted in Lake Poway, in the grassy area where it overlooks the lake. We are planning your birthday celebration at that park, near that tree.

I just want you to know that we love you and miss you every day. All of us, even your bratty brother. I hope that someday we find peace and I hope that we can go on with our lives while learning to live without you.

You are always in our hearts.
Dad, Mom, Jonathan, and Jeremiah


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